I'm so fucking centered right now
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
