I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
