i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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