On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
