I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
