What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
