Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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