Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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