I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
