Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
