i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
