That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
