I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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