I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
