What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She announced her abortion via fbk
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
