I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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