I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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