Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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