i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
