a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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