Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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