Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
