Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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