Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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