she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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