standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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