Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
