Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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