My brain says no but my pants say off.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
