my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
