I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
