I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
God I need to hump something, right now.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
