A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
