i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
