She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
