i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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