I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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