its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
