im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
