My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
