Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
