I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
