So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
