wanna go halves on a baby?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
