I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
