I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
