me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
