My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
