I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
