DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
